Remembering

Watching an episode of Intervention about Cassandre, who has an ED. This girl is 18 and she’s basically me when I was her age. Purging dozens of times a day, using drugs to lose weight, feeding off other sick people. I wonder what my life would be like now if someone had thought to intervene on me when I was 18? I remember being like 20 and actually asking my mom to send me to inpatient treatment, even picking out where I wanted to go. The best I ever had was IOP that I found and sent myself to every day after class. Then I left bc nothing was changing and went on to get worse over the next few years. I almost lost everything so many times – I got arrested for shoplifting clothes when none of mine fit any more; I got in a completely toxic relationship that just revolved around b/p and drugs; I destroyed relationships; God knows what kind of permanent damage I’ve done to myself. 

Now the shows over and she’s all happy and hasn’t b/p’d since 2011 and I hate everyone who didn’t care enough to let me have that success too. I want to b/p but I’m just going to take some Xanex and go to bed. Night. 

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