Fuck.

B/P’d at a party tonight. It’s January 3rd. I couldn’t even make it THREE FUCKING DAYS in 2015 sticking to my recovery plan. And I was feeling all good this morning, making a healthy egg and veggie breakfast. I don’t know what happened; I just couldn’t stop eating and then I had to get rid of it. I tried to sit with it but I was too full; I just couldn’t deal with it. Fuck. I know I should try to salvage the rest of the day but I kind of want to just say fuck it and try again tomorrow.

I wish I’d never started this shit.

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4 thoughts on “Fuck.

  1. I don’t know if this will help, but I found it helpful when I gave a fuck about recovering. (Sorry about the language)
    When I b/ped, I would feel like I had ruined the day and then I’d get into a cycle for the rest of the day. Instead of looking at days of time, I started looking at each time I WANTED to binge and purge and didn’t, or each time I ate/binged and didn’t purge as a success, and started tracking it on a chart. I could binge and purge and still get 3 stars (just an example) for that day for not binging and purging again even though I really wanted to, and then the day had 3 successes to my one mistake.

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    1. I think this sounds a good plan and is worth trying. I was once told to think about the day in 6 blocks: breakfast, morning, lunch, afternoon, dinner, after dinner as then there were 6 chances to succeed in a day, rather than just one. The other thing my GP hates me doing now is counting days e.g. 5 days in a row without behaviours, as it’s so easy to feel like you can have a few bad days before starting again, I now try to have as many behaviour free days in a month as I can, rather than days in a row, so I’m on 3/5 for Jan rather than 0 days (if that makes sense). It’s still horribly hard but it might be worth a shot!

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  2. I always think January 1st is a terrible day to make resolutions. There’s still too much temptation around. How can you start being healthier on a day that’s typically celebrated with food and drink? Don’t beat yourself up and try again! Today is a better day and it’s the first full week of the new year! Good luck xx

    Liked by 1 person

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