I hate Thanksgiving.

I have not stopped eating for a week, and haven’t worked out either. I can see myself getting softer and bigger and I just feel like a disgusting blob. It’s gotten to the point where I’m just eating all the junk I have because I want it out of the house so I can get back on track next week. Sometimes I purge, sometimes I don’t. I think I’ve just been so stressed out with work and life that I haven’t had the mental energy left to make an effort with my eating.

How much weight could I have possibly gained in a week? I’m terrified to get on the scale, but i know that sometimes I tend to assume the worst when it’s not really so bad. I mean, any gain is upsetting, but if I’m only up a pound or two to 114-115, then that’s okay. But if I’m 117 or more I’m going to be really upset.

Which is so crazy, because there was definitely a time when I would have done anything to be 117. Back when I was b/p-ing 10 times a day, I was in the 130s (even the 140s for a while) and thought 125 would be a great weight to maintain and be thin but healthy. But now I’m back to my anorexia-binging subtype and 120 seems way way way too high. I’m thinking about all the desperate shit I did to try to lose weight and wondering if it would be worth doing any of that again – thinking diet pills, even drugs.

Ugh I am so tired of this.


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