I can’t decide if I want to continue restricting and meet my goal of being tiny but frail or if I want to say fuck it and accept a few pounds extra but have the energy to get fit. When I don’t eat – or even when I do eat if it’s crap – I just can’t tear myself out of bed in the morning for a run. But if I do eat, I can go for miles – but I won’t lose weight.
The idea of gaining weight freaks me out; I already think I look like a gross pig as it is. But I wonder if my body image would improve if I was able to get more defined muscle, even if the scale didn’t say a number I like? Would they cancel each other out?
Thank god I’m meeting with my shrink this week – I need to talk some sense into myself. I just feel like my life is completely out of control and I know controlling my weight will make me feel better. But I mean I’ve been doing this shit for nine years now – almost a decade – and I can’t help but think maybe it’s time to grow up.