Confused.

I can’t decide if I want to continue restricting and meet my goal of being tiny but frail or if I want to say fuck it and accept a few pounds extra but have the energy to get fit. When I don’t eat – or even when I do eat if it’s crap – I just can’t tear myself out of bed in the morning for a run. But if I do eat, I can go for miles – but I won’t lose weight.

The idea of gaining weight freaks me out; I already think I look like a gross pig as it is. But I wonder if my body image would improve if I was able to get more defined muscle, even if the scale didn’t say a number I like? Would they cancel each other out?

Thank god I’m meeting with my shrink this week – I need to talk some sense into myself. I just feel like my life is completely out of control and I know controlling my weight will make me feel better. But I mean I’ve been doing this shit for nine years now – almost a decade – and I can’t help but think maybe it’s time to grow up.

Ugh.

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2 thoughts on “Confused.

  1. I have lost weight through running. You don’t need to ‘not eat’ AND run to lose weight. If you eat well and run or exercise you will lose weight. Trust me, over time it works. And it is maintainable, physically and mentally. Good luck x

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