Backwards.

B/P’d at work today. It’s been a while since I did that. And the worst part is, I was actually trying. Contrary to how I may sound sometimes, I DO want to get better. I don’t want to be a slave to calories and weight and food and fat forever. So today I decided I would eat a real lunch. I’d already had a decent breakfast (banana with peanut butter, small pumpkin muffin, coffee) and had an AM snack (apple), and I decided I would get a falafel salad for lunch. But as soon as I started eating I was instantly out of control. I literally could not get the food in my mouth fast enough. And then once I finished I wanted something sweet so I ate a bag of candy the same way – five pieces in my mouth at a time, not enjoying it at all but still unable to stop or even slow down. And then the candy was gone and I could feel my whole body swelling up, like afraid my pants would split open and my guy would pop out and my whole self would turn to a big fat blob. So I went in the bathroom and purged. And then – I didn’t feel better. Less likely to explode, maybe, but still like a gross blob, nauseous and thirsty as hell. I didn’t want to guzzle water to quench my thirst bc that would just make me feel bloated again, and somehow I still had the urge to keep eating. If I had free access to a private room and bathroom I probably would have gone back to the store for $50 worth of food and flushed it all down to the toilet. And now I’m gone with work and am trying to remember what’s left in the house to eat, and if I’ll be able to purge it without my fiancé noticing. Fuck me.

Why can’t I do this? Why are my days where I deliberately restrict healthier and more balanced than the days I start off with good intentions? Why can’t I eat like a normal person??

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2 thoughts on “Backwards.

  1. Some days are just bad! There are gonna be ups and downs in your recovery, and you can’t beat yourself up about the downs. Remember all the progress you’ve made, and move on from the slip-up and do the next right thing. Don’t give up, you can do this ❤

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  2. Gah I’ve asked myself that question so many times myself too hun. Hugs! I’m glad I found your blog, yet another person struggling to pertain perfection like me is warming on this cold drab day. Hugs and double hugs. We all have good days and bad. At least we can journal it all out 🙂

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