I think I’m losing my mind.

So forget what I said yesterday; I ran today and yet I’ve still binged but didn’t purge. I feel like I’m just undoing all the hard work I’ve done in the past month, while simultaneously injuring myself through running harder than I’m ready for. So I’m doubly fucking myself.

I don’t understand why I’m doing this to myself. It’s usually that I binge after severe restriction, but I’ve been eating WAY too much lately – so there’s no overall deficit – and am still binging. Today my candy binge started after I’d already eaten breakfast AND lunch (about 350 cals each, so not abnormally small).

I think it’s at least partially stress. I’ve always been a stress-eater, and lately work has been absolutely insane and I’ve had no time for myself. When I’m home, I have grad school shit to do.

And the end goal? The eating-disordered side of me wants to look like this:


But the healthy side of me wants to look like this:


And I don’t know which one I want more.

I know I have to eat clean and work out to achieve the second group, and that the second ideal is the only one of the two that is sustainable and compatible with a happy life. But part of me just wants attention, just wants to be fucking special for once. There are lots of fit girls, but it’s the super skinny ones are the ones that get a double-take on the street. The one who has people walking on eggshells to please her instead of her having to please everyone else.

I don’t even know what I’m doing at this point.


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