Losing motivation

ED is so weird. Sometimes I have to be very strict, not eating any sugar or “bad foods” or going over 1000 cals and making sure to work out every day, while other times it’s basically like “fuck it” and I eat whatever I want and don’t exercise since I’m already such a fat blob.

Today is a “fuck it” kind of day. Generally reserved for the weekends when I’m already being lazy, this mindset has started to creep into basically any day that I didn’t go run in the morning. So it’s either, I ran a few miles and will eat like a rabbit all day, or  I didn’t run and will eat candy and fried shit and not do anything healthy or that would counteract the calories.

The tricky part is if I eat something “bad” on a day that I ran – I feel like I’m negating my workout, so then I feel the need to purge. Which then leads into a “fuck it” mindset, since I’ve already been “bad” and failed at being healthy that day.

I’ve never been a “good anorexic.” I can’t stick to just one behavior pattern. So not only do I not know how to eat properly, I can’t even be sick properly. I’m pathetic.

I hate this time of year. Actually, I hate all year that isn’t summer. I have severe seasonal depression, and meds don’t seem to fix it (although they do make it slightly more bearable). Winter is when my behavior regarding food becomes more erratic – perhaps because I despise the cold so much that I have a very hard time going outside for exercise. And then not exercising sets me off…

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