So today I woke up and ran three miles, which I was pretty proud of – a month ago I couldn’t do 0.25 without walking, and today I did 3 mi at a 9:24/mi pace. I use RunKeeper, which I love – seeing my improvement in concrete terms is really motivating to me.
And then this is what I ate:
Breakfast: smoothie (greek yogurt and berries) and black coffee
Lunch: Odwalla protein bar and sugar-free Arnold Palmer
Dinner: seafood scampi (prob ate ⅓ of my enormous plate), two martinis
Is this normal eating? Is a protein bar an okay lunch? I’m assuming a smoothie is an okay breakfast because I see everyone posting them on instagram, etc., but I don’t know if those people are also running and not eating snacks… I am actually proud of myself for dinner; I don’t feel like I binged but I also took a risk and ate pasta.
Now I feel like I need to go calculate the calories to see if I’m “okay” for the day. Also feel like I definitely need to run in the morning because I ate pasta. I hate feeling like that. I actually enjoy running – which is a HUGE shock; I’ve always hated it (although my only experience has been on a treadmill or gym class) – and I don’t want to feel like I *have* to do it, because then maybe I won’t *want* to do it. And I really like this newfound hobby of mine; I don’t want it to turn into an obligation that I dread. I also hate that as soon as I finished dinner I was thinking of calories, rather than just enjoying my night out.
Ugh. The mindset is the hardest part to change, no matter how “normal” I can get my eating habits. I wonder, even if I eventually figure out how to eat like a proper, non-ED person, if I’ll ever lose that mindset of guilt after eating “bad” foods, or worrying that I ate too much. I really want to just see food as fuel for my body, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do that without “food” just being some substance that goes into my body that doesn’t look like anything – I guess like a TPN solution, but obviously I don’t want to be that girl with a feeding tube.
When did eating and food become so complicated?