Slipping…

I need to never have junk food in my house. I can’t eat just a few cookies, I eat half the box. So that happened, and then I purged. I went so long without doing that; I hate that I’m slipping back into old habits (this is the third time this month). I know my running is affected by my poor eating habits, and yet I can’t seem to convince my eating disordered side that I should eat lunch. Then I get home hungry and if no one is home to stop me I eat everything in site. And then feel guilty and skip lunch again the next day. And the cycle continues.

My body image has also been awful lately. Like I know I’ve lost five or so pounds, but all I see is fat. I don’t get it. I thought running would help with this, but so far no luck. I guess I need to do more ab work… but honestly I want to be tiny, not muscly. High-fashion-model skinny, not fitness-model fit. Which is stupid because why would I want to be weak over strong? Why would I rather feel weak than be able to accomplish things?

Why can’t I just be NORMAL? That’s all I’ve ever wanted… but not if normal means fat.

I think all those fitness articles are lying with their 1500 cals/day slim-down plans. 1500 cals/day is not going to have me losing an ounce; I’ll gain 5 pounds a week. Which I think is why I can’t stop this restrict-binge-restrict cycle – I’m convinced that if I eat three meals and two snacks a day like I “should,” I’ll balloon into a fat cow in no time.

I need to work out more, maybe. If I burn more cals, maybe I’ll feel better about eating more cals?

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