Yesterday I ate over 5000 calories. I just stopped counting after a while – it was more depressing than helpful. Today I struggled to make 1200, and I exercised for over an hour. I was talking to my psychiatrist, and after discussing my family for a bit I realized it’s no wonder I can’t eat like a normal person. My family is so food-centric, but simultaneously fat-phobic. Clear your plate, don’t eat too much. Here I am, 26 years old and living on my own for eight years, and I still can’t feed myself properly. I have no idea what a proper portion size is for real food, and am incapable of eating junk food without binging. I’m trying to just think of food as fuel instead of focusing so much on calories and whatnot, but goddamn it’s hard. I guess that’s why I started this blog. I can’t be the only one out there who is trying desperately to avoid a relapse while simultaneously having no fucking clue what they’re doing.
I started running at the beginning of this month. It started out as just a way to get exercise, to burn calories, but I’m actually starting to enjoy it. I like seeing myself get faster, and run longer, and proving to myself that I can be disciplined about something and stick with it, rather than trying and quitting a different thing every week. But it seems to be making the eating more complicated.
I try to log my food so I know if I’m eating too much or too little. However, when I run, I know I’m burning more calories, but how much more food am I supposed to eat? I don’t want to be one of those people who gets fatter when they start exercising because they overestimate their calorie burn, but I also know that if I don’t eat enough I won’t have the energy to run the next day, and my muscles won’t get to heal from my workouts, and yada yada yada. So I try to eat. But then I’m obsessed with eating only healthy things – smoothies, salads, grilled chicken with veg. Throw a cookie in there and well fuck it, the day is ruined and I might as well eat ALL the things.
And don’t even get me started on stress and anxiety. When I’m anxious I binge; when I’m stressed I starve. Yes, they are two separate emotions. Running is supposedly helpful for that, so there’s another reason to keep it up. I just want to be healthy for once. I want to eat three real meals a day, maybe even some snacks (!), and not have my weight fluctuate by 10 pounds every month or so. Seriously, I’ve probably gained and lost the same 10 pounds 50 times. Can one’s weight really be maintained without any extremes? Or are all those people with the rocking bodies just as fucked up as I am?
I’d like to think it’s possible, to look good and eat normally. But I’m also afraid that if I do eat “normally” I’ll end up gaining weight from all the damage I’m sure I’ve done to my metabolism over the years. And as much as I want to be normal, I don’t know if I’m willing to be fat to achieve that. Although honestly I have no real clue what my body looks like anyway – every time I look in the mirror I have a different reaction, even within the same day. Hell, I could be fat already, who knows. I try not to weigh myself too much so I don’t get obsessive, but then of course I just assume the worst. If I do weigh, I do it on Wednesdays, which would be tomorrow – I’m afraid to get on the scale because what if I’ve gained?
Arghhhhh… hopefully someone out there gets it, because god knows no one in my real life does.